Falling apart

There comes a time in one’s life, so I believe, that you have to fall apart to become whole. It is a premise that most ancient wisdom traditions affirm. It is at the bottom of the well that we find the gold. This means coming to a place where we give up all effort and temptation to stay “afloat”. Here we have to surrender the struggle of staying above water and pulling ourselves together again, and take a leap of faith. This leap of faith is throwing in the towel of the accustomed and well-trodden paths of survival, avoidances, distractions, denials and simply dive. Rather than struggling to come up for air, we turn around and dive. Deeper and deeper into our psycho-spiritual and somatic consciousness and hope for the best. Letting go.

I have found that there, right at the heart of falling apart, is tremendous freedom. It is the freedom to just be. As, in falling apart, I give up all pretences and make-beliefs. I have tried and given up. I have yielded to life’s decisive force of wanting me crushed to the point that my heart cracks open, so the light can come in. 

I have found that if I give up the fight in this very place, grace descends. Softly, kindly, peacefully. Admittedly, first it is hell. Excruciating, scary, lost and lonely hell.  It seems to be a path one can only take alone, even if arms are holding you and words sooth your helpless plunge into the abyss of not knowing.

There are no guarantees here, no comfort blankets, or reassuring lullabies. All one has to hold on to is blind and naked faith.

Falling apart. You should try it at least once in your life. Seriously. It is the most humbling and vulnerable experience for a human being. And it is the most connecting experience. It brings us back to the connection to spirit, to ourselves and to others. It breaks away all the defensiveness and exposes any untruths. It is being unprotected and stripped to the core, but essentially whole. 

I understand that no one would willingly choose to go here. But if life offers you a chance, take it. Don’t be tough and strong and hold on for dear life. Don’t pretend you can do it on your own or allow the old, outdated coping habits to prematurely piece you together again. Don’t hide away in isolation without sharing this process of precious dismantling with anyone. Don’t smile over the top of your pain or bear it, clenched teeth and fists, hoping to endure its gravity. This is a god given opportunity to fall to your knees and allow the ground to hold you as you deconstruct. It is a benediction in disguise of a bulldozer. If you fight it, you won’t find the gold at its devastating feet. And there is gold. The gold that lies hidden at the core of your being, which you have buried with layers and layers of images of who you believe yourself to be. Suffocated by an idea of who you are and what you have to present to the world. 

What a freedom when that mirage falls apart and all that is left is a pure and shining expression of your untethered soul.

Kanika Frings

Holistic Counsellor
Co-Founder DIMA Mallorca, Mystery School, www.dimamallorca.com

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